Thrown Out of the Theater

I went to the movies. I don’t get to se the picture shows much. There just so godawfully stupid. Most of ’em of least. About once every 3 or 4 years I’ll get a hankering for movie theater popcorn . . . so I brace myself for the stupidity I’m gonna have to endure and take myself off to the movies. Seing that nobody in town likes me, I always go alone. I like it that way. I prefer to be alone. That’s why I pick a movie at a particular timewhen I’m cerain only a few people, if anybody, will show up. Since I’m a suburban fella and have to limit my choices to them Odileon Supercinemasuplexes that got 27 movie theatres in a one clock radius, I pick a movie of adult conduct and go durng the matine . . . when only me and the winos ain’t at work . . . and the winos are at the downtown theatres . . . and the brats are there for sure . . . but they don’t come into the adult movies . . . unless they got some fucked up liberal mama that says “You need to learn about this shit brat of mine!” . . . but they’re really only selfish, crazy, broads that want to see an adult movie and they have their brat, which they don’t even love, along for the ride.
And that’s the way it was. I got there 15 minutes early and I was the only fellow in the theatre. I was happy! I had the super-combo with the super giant popcorn with extra butter, and the really really big coca cola, and a bag of m&m’s of the peanut filled variety. I was really really happy! The movie was some Jap movie of them animation type all them weirdo teens are into. Didn’t matter . . . the popcorn and lonliness were enough for me. I was happy!
But nooooooo . . . shit assed, bunhole worm filled, dipshit, humunculous fucking humans! I hear the door open . . . I turn to look . . . some lady’s come in. She’s got the whole fucking theatre right? The whole fucking place! There’s like 2000 seats in this humongousplex right? The whole fucking place! Yeah! Yeah . . . you guessed it! the useless old bitch comes and sits right behind me!
Now I’m pissed. I’m not for sparing people’s feelings anymore . . . used to . . . did it
. . . “thank you maam” . . . “excuse me maam” . . . ” God bless you maam.” That’s the old tune. Not anymore! Too many nights wiht nowhere to go, with no one who cared if I lived or died, cured me of that. I got up and sighed profoundly so she’d know how dissapointed I was in her. I moved about 37 rows toward the front. I ae a handful of popcorn, swigged a long swig from the big old cup of coca cola, and ate som of them m&ms of the peanut covered variety, and I started feeling happy again.
I started thinking about what Craig down there athe hippy coffee shop when I was getting my black coffee for the day. Craig asked me, “If you could have a superpower (like Spiderman) what would it be?” I told him, “Invisibility.” (So I could go into any pharmacy and get valium whenever I pleased . . . which would be quite often since I gotta live with so many fucking suburbanites that don’t know how to find a fuckin’ seat in an empty theatre.) Craig’s brother Taylor spoke up and said, “I’d have the power of life and death in my hands.” And he held up his hands all Jesus like. Now me and Taylor would have a different take on this superpower since we are different in so many ways. But I realized immediately I’d chose the wrong superpower. Taylor was right; that is the superpower to have.
Imagine how wonderful it would be! You are standing in a long line at the bank? Drop ’em all with your hands and walk right over their bodies to the teller! Tayor might do that . . . I don’t know . . . but I do know that he’d raise them back from the dead when he was done banking. I wouldn’t . . . let ’em rot! But that’s the kind of difference between me and Tayor I was talkin’ about.
Imagine the wonderful things you could do with this “superpower!” I guarantee you that 99% of this fucking suburb would be laying on the ground gasping for air like a bunch of landed fishes. It’d happen within a few minutes of me having this superpower! There’d they be gasping for breath . . . dying slowly and agonizingly . . . and I’d be out there cheering them on! “Hey you assholes! Die a little slower! I wanna watch you flop about a little longer!” Thousands of less assholes in the world! What a wonderful thing! Sittin’ there in the theatre pondring all them gasping dying shit-asses I got super happy! I was grinning like the Chesire Cat. The popcorn tasted soooo good!
But then I heard a bustling. I turned to look. Another broad had entered the collosialseum. I watched with absolute amazment as she made her way down the aisle toward me. “No! No! No! she isn’t!” I thought . . . but yes, yes, yes she was beloved reader . . . she was coming right at me. She sat right the fuck down behind me!
I groaned. I started banging my head on the seat in front of me. What is the deal?! Is it my warm fuzziness that attracts them? My superfluity of sweetness? The absolute superhumanitarianism of my gentle being? I don’t know. But whatever it is, I’d had enough. I was breaking up. I couldn’t keep it inside like I used to. I stood up and turned around . . . I said, “Listen you battle-axe! There’s 3 gabazillion seats in this fucking suplodionplex! How come you gotta come and mash your useless suburban gums on your mini-sized popcorn around ME?!” I was looking at her popcorn. It was tiny and useless. So I picked up my super-double, double-double sized popcorn and shook it at her and said, “Look at this fucker you suburban bitch! This is popcorn! Anybody that drives to the theater in the suburbanite mobile that you can afford could get them one of these!” I shook my popcorn at her again, “One of these!” The word “these” ended in a long wheeze and I had to sit down. I’m getting to old to get worked up like this. Too many super double duper sized popcorns have done my heart in. I gave up on the whole affair and sat down in my seat to wheeze.
The woman got up and left. I thanked my dear Lord Jesus. “Thank you Lord Jesus for getting rid of that woman,” I said. Yet I should have known. A poor fellow that just wants his peace is not an asset in this world. We don’t spend enough money. I heard a whole bunch of people come into the theatre together. “Shit,” I thought. I didn’t even turn around. I knew they were behind me . . . why even look? They’re coming in to sit next to me. I listened as they came my way, “Of course you are!? I was awul surprised to be tapped on my shoulder. I was even more surprised to see my surbruban bitch with a whole gang of staff members. I don’t think it was the manager as it was too early for the manager . . . besides . . . this poor fellow (with three popcorn attendants beind him) was too flustered and flumdiddled to be a manager. No . . . he had no guts in him.
Well . . . I knew what was coming . . . I’m stupid . . . but I’m not as stupid as all that. When I was a total tounge chewing, dipshit, mindless meandering, babbling incessantly drunk I was thrown out of a lot of places. God bless them all . . . they had to. I didn’t know when to go home. But my little one seat home with my giant popcorn was soon to disapear. But since I was a veteran at being asked to leave, I knew that that was what was going down. I didn’t bother arguing. I didn’t make a peep. The fellow was blubbering some inanities at me. I got up . . . I took my popcorn, my big old cup of the coca cola, and waht was left of my m&ms of the peanut type, and walked out.
If any of you peckerwoods still know how to write . . . please write me and tell me what that Jap movie about poppies being on the hill or behind the house or whereever them Japs keep their popies is all about. What did I pay to miss?

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